Love instead of anger

The girls loved basketball camp. The only complaints were the heat and jammed fingers!

It has been great being back and seeing all the kids! Getting back into life and homeschooling is as fun as it sounds. There are problems and solutions, hugs and tears, joy and anger. We got back to find everything in disarray, as it is every time we return. The fridge was emptier than when I was still a bachelor, the cupboard had moldy raisins (didn’t know that was possible), and all the rules had been relaxed. We had a termite infestation, broken screen doors, and broken TVs.

1 Corinthians 14:33 - For God is not a God of disorder but of peace—as in all the congregations of the Lord’s people.

Although everything was in disarray, it felt good to be back! It was six long months in the states, and the whole time I was yearning to be back in my own bed. I felt like Goldilocks going from bed to bed, Goldilocks with back problems. I never found the bed that was just right, though. Anyway, I am very grateful for my time in the states and especially grateful for learning TBRI while there. TBRI has become a very useful tool in fixing some of the problems we had and the trauma our kids have. There are two examples that stick out in my mind that I will give you.

Every photo looks like an advertisement with these girls!

The last girl we took in had a problem with subtracting. We felt like we were banging our heads against the wall trying to teach her how to subtract. I spent a few months trying and got so frustrated I told my wife it was her turn. I just couldn’t take her not listening anymore. She could do it when you were right there doing it with her, but the moment you left, she just started writing numbers. I had hoped that when I returned this problem would have been over and she was moving on to bigger and better things. Nope! She was still not subtracting.

Well, while we were gone she had another problem. She was getting too close to our youngest boy and even stole money from another girl to give to him. This didn’t give us a very clear picture of what was going on, it just made us think that she needed to be punished. As we described the problem to our TBRI practitioner, she asked a few questions about the girl's past and wanted to know more about her trauma. She said, “If you punish her, you are just punishing her for being traumatized. This problem originated directly from her trauma and this seems to be the way she gets attention from males, and she is desperate for male attention. When you go back, why don’t you try giving her a ton of attention?” I asked her, “What does that look like?” She replied, “It is just always telling her you love her, hugging her, a lot of lap time, and just showing her you want her around you. Not only will this help with the problems you are having now, but it will also help fix the problems she is going to have in the future, a.k.a. daddy issues!”

David using a protractor for the first time

To me, it seemed so simple that there was no way it could actually work. But it turns out that 'Keep It Simple, Stupid' works more often than not. When we got back, I didn’t really have to try or go out of my way to give her attention. She is so cute it is easy to give her attention plus she is so desperate for it she is always around me. She is attached to my hip! Whenever I sit down, she wants to sit on my lap, when I stand she wants to be right in front of me with my arms around her, whenever I give a hug to any of the kids she always wants to be next. It has been so easy, but I thought there was no way this could translate to her being able to subtract, right? Well, I was wrong. The second or third day I taught her, I went over borrowing with her again and gave her a worksheet. She did one and I checked, It was right! I was shocked! Then I told her to do 5 more and they were right! I told her to do the rest of the worksheet and it was right too! I was shocked! I gave her a break and when she came back I gave her 25 new problems and she finished them in 20 mins and only had 2 wrong! Shocked again! That day she did 5 worksheets, before she couldn’t even do 5 problems after being given the whole day! I was shown the amazing power of love that day. It has the power to unlock a brain!

Sometimes blurry pictures are as good as it gets!

1 Corithians 13:4-7 - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

A few days later, one of our girls was eating and broke a tooth. I needed to see in her mouth to see if it was a trip to the dentist or not. I went and got a flosser and tried to get her to open her mouth so I could see, but as soon as that thing got close to her mouth she shrieked in pain, like I had just hit her with a hammer. I tried for 10 mins, getting more and more frustrated. I threw the flosser away and walked away saying, “Well, looks like we will go to the dentist tomorrow and he will give you shots in your mouth! That will be way more painful!” I went into my room, angry and frustrated. I started to pray and as I prayed I was impressed to replace anger with love and go out there and use the techniques we had been taught in TBRI. I went back out and explained to her that I was frustrated because I don’t like to see her in pain and I want to help her get rid of it, then I told her if she let me look inside her mouth I would give her another snack or let her watch a video. What we had learned was that when a child is acting out or irrational, it's because they feel like they have no control over their own life. When you give them choices, it helps them feel in control and ready to obey, in that instance I chose to let her do something or have something, but they are not always like that. Well, the response was amazing. She let me see and it wasn’t a real tooth, it was an extra tooth she was growing and she was so… I don’t know what she was feeling, but she hugged me for 20 mins after that. As I sat there with her hugging me, I just couldn’t help but be astonished by the response and thought to myself, “Man, imagine if I could replace anger with love every time!”

Galatians 6:9 - Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Christmas is the time!

As you can see, I am far from the perfect parent, but I am trying, learning, and growing. It is so great to have tools that I didn’t have before. We have been so beaten down, depressed, and anxious. The past few years have been really hard for us and it feels like we are finally coming out of depression and anxiety, and man! It feels great! We have failed in a lot of ways over the past few years and we are, a lot like our kids, finally learning how to learn from our mistakes. God has been good to us and we have seen how He has replaced anger with love in our lives and now we need to do the same in the lives of people around us!

BYE BYE!

2 Timothy 1:7 - For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.