Finding Hope Amidst the Trials: Journey of Sacrifice and Faith in the Face of Unimagined Challenges

The girls having fun with the undergrads in the English dept at Chiang Mai University

I am very sad to say that we have had one of the worst losses of our careers: we lost our lives! We didn't lose a kid or lose any material things, we lost the life we thought we would have. Just like everyone else in this cursed world, we want an easy, comfortable, beautiful, and happy life. That is actually the exact opposite of what we have. We have a hard, uncomfortable, messy, and broken life. It's crazy to think we signed up for this!

If I am being completely honest, we had no idea what we were signing up for. How could anyone ever know what they are getting into? We started with a call from God, a call to care for a suicidal 16 year old, fighting against drug addiction and prostitution. Just her was hard enough and had so many surprises along the way.

I let all the kids work together to cut my hair. I rocked it for a week. My wife hated it!

After that, we decided to add more kids and make a Gumbo of problems. We added rape, abuse, neglect like it was bacon grease, shrimp and chicken. We mixed it up with all of our own marital and individual problems and then threw a rare disease on top like it was bay leaves. Somehow, we have had these crazy expectations that, that gumbo would taste good and be medicine for the soul. Crazy, I know!

Much to our chagrin, all of those things don't create happiness, positive attitudes, and/or gratefulness. It creates entitlement, unmet expectations, and breakdowns. I never would have thought that kids who don't have parents could feel such entitlement and ungratefulness when someone steps in to fill the parental void in their lives; someone with a desire to love and give the best they can give to them!

Wind is really small. Trying to prepare him for the real world as a small person.

I realized this morning, as I was on the way to the mall to go and write this blog, that one of the reasons my wife and I have been having such a hard time lately is because we have been grieving. We are grieving the loss of our lives. Not our real lives, the lives we were able to live while we were in the states. We have been at this for the majority of a decade and have not grieved yet. Being back for about 7-8 months now, we have realized that the life we have been able to live in the states is dead. Family, a good church, quality CF care, leaving your work at work, happy home, free time, and our own money, and so much more I can't even put into words.

IT'S DEAD

I hope she never grows up!

Our life is brokenness, breakdowns, attitudes, mental disorders, developmental disorders, culture shock, problems, lies, and inherited family drama. Don't get me wrong, we do have bright spots of joy, love, and growth, but sometimes it feels like we constantly live in the valley, a valley with no peaks surrounding. Lately, that is exactly what it feels like all valleys, no peaks, let down after let down, unmet expectation after unmet expectation, and the loss of the life we wanted when we got married, when we lived in the states, and/or even when we are alone without any of the kids.

DEPRESSING, RIGHT?

We do have hope! Christ speaks on this and gives hope! "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for his sake will find it." I am not going to lie, the meaning of this has been lost on me for a long time! Really, until now! We found the life that God has for us and lost the life we had for ourselves; we answered the call. Does it suck sometimes? Yes, big time. But we hold the hope that most people don't understand, hope that there is more than this life. "If our hope in Christ is for this life alone, we are to be pitied more than all men." We don't believe this life is the end and that "For the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a commanding shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet call of God...Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. Then we will be with the Lord forever."

Tallest to smallest

We hold on to the faith of our salvation in Christ. Is it hard? Yes. Is it worth it? I hope so. Paul says, speaking of Christians, "If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are of all people most to be pitied." If all we have is this life or you believe that this is all we have and then we are worm food, please pity us, but we don't, and we are fighting to find joy in all circumstances, holding on to the hope of Christ's soon return. We strive to kill the "old man" every day and grab onto the hope like it is our only life-line because it really feels like it is!

We find joy in the smiles and the tears, the frowns and the hugs, the fights and forgiveness. I can't stress to you how hard it is to raise 8 kids and being the only fatherly source of wisdom and advice for over 30 "kids". There is so much more that people don't understand and, to be fair, I didn't understand it either. I honestly thought that raising kids was going to be easy and that it was easy mission work. I was wrong, DEAD WRONG.

The best pic we could get of my cool haircut!

As we raise these kids, we see the beauty in doing hard things to live a better life. I don't always see the beauty right away and sometimes it takes me putting everything in writing to start to understand my own feelings and how I see God. You can probably tell from how the feel of my writing has shifted from despair to hope. My life is hard to make their life easier and I will continue to fight to find "...pure joy... when you encounter trials."

Please continue to pray for us! We covet your prayers!

Also, we need money to be able to continue, so please prayerfully consider donating.

Sarah about to beat Florian at chess